Slept pretty well last night and got up this morning hoping to be back on my game. ....didn't happen. Not sure if it's because the chemo hit me harder this time and/or the fact that my red blood count is too low. Whatever it is, it is taking longer this time. Hopefully by next round I will have my RBCs up and this won't happen again. The great thing is - no nausea! I still don't feel like eating, most food tastes weird, but I am able to eat a little and keep it down. The muscle and bone pain has eased somewhat also. Just no energy for the 4th day in a row.
Val came by and brought me a Hershey's with Almonds that I was able to munch on a little. I don't like it that my chocolate tastes funny!!!
So here I am sitting in my recliner when I want to be at Courtney's shower. Courtney was in my SS class when she was 4, and today is her wedding shower. I won't be able to attend the wedding so I was counting on being there today! GRRR I hate this. I so wanted to be there for one of my girls and a family who is so special to us!!
Ya know, the only time I've felt anger through this is when it has robbed me of special moments. Not being able to watch my son's marching band shows was a biggie. I hate to hear Todd say, "Mom's had a bad day, we need to be quiet" like he has the past 4 days. I would much rather hear the laughing and bantering between them two. I hate sitting in this chair feeling like I've been beat. I hate having to depend on other people to do things for me. I hate missing celebrations for special friends.
Today, as I look out the window, it is a blustery day....as Winnie the Pooh would say. Blustery days can be quite frustrating! You've fixed your hair just right and walk outside just to have it whipped around your head making you look like you fixed it with your hand mixer. You have to hang on tight to your things or they'll blow out of your hands. Frustrating!
I guess I'm having some blustery days this week. Heffalumps and Woozles everywhere! So frustrating. Yes, I know everyone understands and doesn't expect anything from me....but I don't like it.
How many times have I not appreciated or enjoyed the 'moment' when I had it? Too many to count, I'm sure. These things seem to come to light when you 'can't' do something.
I love the quote "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." Right now, I am frustrated about the winds that are blowing my stuff, but blustery days don't last forever. The question is what am I gonna do when the wind isn't blowing? Am I gonna take advantage of the moment, knowing I may never get another one like it?
I hope so....
5 comments:
Hi Norma,
I hope you know it is ok to complain or just to be angry about this journey you are on.
When you were talking about the wind it reminds me of Jesus and the disciples when they were in the boat during the storm. Jesus spoke to the wind and it had to obey. We know he is with us in the storm. Sometimes he calms the storm and sometimes he calms me.
This is a hard journey I know I have been there but it doesnt last forever and oh the joy when it is over.
You are so blessed with your angels that take care of you. I had them also and what a blessing they were. My sister in law gave me six months of her life and her family to take care of me. What a blessing.
We are praying for you. My church family is praying for you also. God Bless.
Pat
Hi Norma,
I hope today is better for you. I know it is hard to let people help you when you are used to being the one who helps. This is your turn to let God show how much He cares through others. As for your girl who had her wedding shower, I am sure she knows without a doubt how you feel about her. You can go to her baby shower and be your old self again and enjoy it. I love you and pray that God will relieve your frustration and feeling of powerlessness. You are learning what you should learn, so the waiting is not in vain. You go girl!
Carla
I remember when I had my total hysterectomy and was "out" for 8 weeks. My mom came, but I couldn't even hold my little Amy, or do anything with Adam and Ashley. I missed Ashley's 1st grade Christmas program... I cried and cried. I don't know how it feels to have cancer, but I know how it is to feel helpless and miss things. Definately the PITTS! And nothing anyone says helps. We know people "understand" but it doesn't help a lot. We just want to be there!!!
...but the clouds will soon be gone... the sun's gonna shine, in God's own good time... and He will see you through...
Love you so much, and enjoyed the visit with you.
Norma,
Just so you know, you are helping people and you are making a difference. I know that does not take the place of missing out on things and feeling helpless, BUT, you are touching lives, you are changing hearts and you don't even know it. You have alot of people praying for you and those people are also going through hard times, and those people have their frustrations, and those people are on the verge of depression, or trying to make a right decission about a difficult situation and YOU are helping them. Maybe when/if you have another blustery day, you can meditate on that. Hang in there, you are right, this is temporary, BUT JESUS CHRIST IS NOT!!!! You are going to come out of this a whole new woman with a whole new heart. You being as amazing as you are, is hard to imagine you any more amazing than that, but you will be.
"Big K"
Kristie Morris
Love the picture. :0)
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